National Treasure (2004): Family-Friendly Cage is Fun for Everyone! Except Women. [Joey’s Review]

This isn’t the first time Cage has dabbled in family-friendly fare — I’ll forgive you if you forgot about CHRISTMAS CAROL: THE MOVIE — but it IS the first time he’s made an enjoyable family-friendly flick. NATIONAL TREASURE is Disney through-and-through, which means it’s fun and exciting and full of cringe-worthy lines. But the pace is brisk enough that if one line or moment makes you cringe, the next moment is already there and you can move on to the next thing.

While National Treasure is fun, there’s an underlying sense of immense sexism here that’s hard to shake. There’s really only one character in the movie: Diane Kruger’s Abigail Chase. As a character, she’s perfectly competent; she has some high-level job in the government (?) or historical society (?) … okay, hold on.

I honestly don’t know what ANYONE does for work in this movie. Is Cage a full-time treasure hunter? I gave him a backstory of historian/history teacher, a la Indiana Jones, but that’s not addressed in this movie. Is he independently wealthy enough to forego an income and spend all his time uncovering this family secret? I honestly don’t know. And what does Riley do? Ostensibly, he’s on Cage’s paycheck, so where does Cage get the money to pay him? Is Sean Bean really paying them enough to finance this venture AND live normally without other jobs? What happened before Sean Bean came on? So many questions.

Anyway, back to Diane Kruger. She’s got some good job, whatever it may be. She has hobbies (or, at least one hobby, in that she collects some old coins). She’s pretty. She isn’t gullible; she doesn’t just give in to Cage and Riley when they tell her they want to get hands-on with the Declaration of Independence. On the surface, she’s a proper Disney role model for young girls, and a genuine valid entry point into making young girls want to become interested in history.

She even figures out that Cage is up to no good at the gala, and tracks him down before he leaves the scene. Hooray! Except then she’s kidnapped, and all of her power is sapped from her character. She’s instantly transformed into a damsel in distress that Cage must rescue, and he does. (Props to Kruger, though, that she does all of her own stunts in this scene where she’s dangling off a truck. She’s a better role model than her character.)

Once she’s rescued, she has basically one question to ask: What the hell is Cage doing stealing the Declaration of Independence?

A valid question, I must say.

Instead of answering her, however, he shushes her. And then shushes her again. And again. It’s played for humor, and he says he “just needs to think,” but it comes off as rude and sexist. This continues for a while, too, until she’s finally given something to do (squirt lemons onto the Declaration of Independence, as one is wont to do), and it seems like her character rebounds a bit!

Until Cage gets arrested. After he’s arrested by the original Bad Lieutenant, he’s sprung free, seemingly by Sean Bean? Except wait! It was Diane Kruger who masterminded the jailbreak! Woman power! Except immediately she’s thrown under the bus as even the criminals can’t deal with her constant talking. WOMEN, RIGHT?! Can’t live with ’em, can’t write meaningful parts in most Nicolas Cage movies for ’em.

Look, I know the Bechdel Test is flawed. But there’s also some merit behind it. The only other woman in this movie — at least the only other one with any significant lines — is “Butcher Lady,” whom Diane Kruger runs into while running away from Sean Bean’s goons. Never given a name, she’s (rightfully) angry that Diane Kruger hops her counter and hides from her pursuers. But when Diane Kruger explains that it’s her “ex-husband” chasing her, Butcher Lady says, “Take all the time you need.” Then she tells the guy off. That’s all they talk about; Kruger’s “ex-husband.”

Sorry, Alison Bechdel! Maybe things will get better in NATIONAL TREASURE: BOOK OF SECRETS, when Dame Helen Mirren shows up. One can only hope!

Don’t worry, though: in the end, Cage kisses Kruger, because he so earned the right to do that. Hooray!

How can I watch it? It’s on Netflix!

What’s up next? It’s time for decidedly darker fare, as Cage becomes an international gun runner in LORD OF WAR!