Valley Girl (1983): True Love Waits in the Bathroom [Joey’s Review]

A trend is forming here at #CageClub. We’re three movies in, and all three have seen Cage in high school. Unlike other films of the era (and today!), though, he’s actually playing his own age — he was 16, 17, and 18 in his first three on-screen roles. On screen in Valley Girl, he doesn’t look like any 18-year-old I’ve ever seen, but I think it’s cool that he’s playing his age, rather than portraying a high schooler as a 24-year-old or whatever. It adds a touch of realism that’s refreshing.

Other trends are forming, too. It’s amazing how much you can extrapolate after just a few films! In FAST TIMES, Cage played “Brad’s Bud.” There’s a Brad in this movie, too, but he’s kind of the enemy (but more so a character we hardly see at all). On the one hand, this may be a coincidence. On the other hand, this is the early 1980s, and packs of Brads roamed the hallways of high schools across this great land, delivering wedgies to nerds of all shapes and sizes.

Another trend! Two movies in a row, kids have this Devo poster on their wall:

It’s like the FAST TIMES scenery department had a sale and Valley Girl picked this poster up on the cheap.

Another trend! For the second time in three movies (does this constitute a trend?), Cage is introduced on the beach. Again, he’s a pure #sexsymbol, drawing admiration of Valley Girls as far as the eye can see. “What a hunk!” one proclaims. Little do they know how irrevocably their lives will change when they meet Cage’s character.

Cage plays Randy, an 18-year-old king of Hollywood and the punk scene. As you may guess, this type of personality does NOT fit in with the Valley Girl scene, where things like peanut butter sushi (a real, disgusting thing that’s made [cooked?] in this movie [AT A PARTY!]) rule. By the way, Cage is (rightfully) REPULSED by this sushi. He seems turned off by all three varieties of sushi served at this party, but this one in particular. It’s legitimately disgusting. Just stop it, Valley people. You’re doing food wrong.

It’s these clashing ideologies that set up a modern day (in 1983) Romeo and Juliet story between Cage and Deborah Foreman. Their names, you see, are Randy & Julie, aka R&J, aka Romeo & Juliet. IT’S ALL HAPPENING. Lovers divided by cultural boundaries, framed around great music and bitchin’ haircuts. I genuinely love it. It also made me think I was moderately intelligent for picking up on the subtlety of their love affair… until about halfway through the movie, when the camera freezes on a theater marquee that reads “ROMEO AND JULIET” for about 4 seconds. “Hey, dummies,” the movie shouts. “Do you get it?” Yes, we do.

I don’t want to sound like I’m badmouthing this movie, because I don’t intend to. The connection between these two characters is genuine and great, and a real reason to see this movie. The film is propelled by a dynamite performance from Cage, and a pretty decent one from Foreman. She is the titular Valley Girl, and in the movie more than Cage is. He’s top billed, though, and credited for the first time as Nicolas Cage (rather than Coppola).

Seriously, just look how in love they are.

(Cage took his name from Luke Cage, one of his favorite Marvel characters. With Luke Cage set to have a Netflix series of his very own in the next year, I’m hoping, wishing, and praying that our beloved Cage finds his way into the series as either a cameo or recurring character. He sort of has to, right? Maybe he can reprise his role as Ghost Rider.)

Let’s get back to that love story.

Cage is a man smitten in this movie. From the moment he spies Julie at the beach (then again at the party), he knows she’s the one for him. He describes her as “truly dazzling” and remains steadfast to his belief that they belong together. After getting kicked out of the party and driving away, he pulls over to shout, “NO ONE TELLS ME WHO I CAN SCORE WITH!” You’re right, Cage. Score with whoever you want! This is your movie. (Sort of.)

Cage comes back to the party. His plan? Sneak in through the second story bathroom window and wait for Julie to use the bathroom. I guess when Thom Yorke says “true love waits,” he means that it waits in a bathroom. And is so bored while doing it.

Julie finally comes in, and the two leave. On their first date (which is a double-date along Cage’s weirdo friend and Julie’s friend Stacy, whom I feel really bad for because Cage’s friend is just SO weird), Julie finally sees Randy in his element: as King of Hollywood. He’s literally driving around Hollywood, shouting to everyone on the streets. He knows everyone, everyone knows him, and everyone seems to love him.

Their date goes well. They make out. Their friends kiss briefly, but spend most of the night (literally) running away from one another. Julie finally returns home after being out all night. Her hippie parents couldn’t care less, as they know Julie needs to grow into becoming her own woman. But Julie walks in on her mother doing “yoga,” put in quotes because it makes me want to ask Gene Creemers (you may know him as Coach Teacher): “Is this exercise?”

I have in my notes the quote “the most awesome dude ever!” I’m assuming this is Julie talking about Randy, but I forget who she’s talking to. I just love the quote, though, and wanted to share.

Then, in an almost entirely unrelated subplot, some nerd named Skip shows up to Suzie’s house to deliver groceries to her mom. This is worth mentioning for two reasons:

1. First of all, both Julie’s mom and Suzie’s mom are way too young to be moms of high school girls. Both actresses were like 35, and the actresses who played the daughters were about 20. They both have excuses as to why they’re there — both are second marriages? or something vague — but it’s still weird.
2. Suzie’s mom, played by Lee Purcell, is going after Skip HARD. She totally wants to Mrs. Robinson him. What does Skip do? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Come on, Skip. Don’t be a nerd. You’re going to say no to Lee Purcell?

Nerd.

Then we return to the actual Randy/Julie love story. We see “Foods for Health,” a health food restaurant Julie’s parents own and the place Julie works. Julie at one point tells Randy her parents own “a shop,” which is the weirdest way to describe a restaurant I’ve ever heard of. All I know for sure is that Randy shows up and struts over with my all-time favorite stride:

That’s swagger. Pure sex. Also: amazing hair.

The two go on a date. It’s all set to “I Melt With You” by Modern English, and it’s all done perfectly. I’m a huge fan of a montage (especially a rocking 80s montage), and this one is high up there. It leads to a passionate kiss on the beach:

Again: Cage is King of the Beach. Do not challenge him on his turf.

BUT ALL IS NOT WELL.

Julie is having doubts. You see, her friends hate Randy because he’s from Hollywood and they’re from the Valley. They won’t hang out with Julie if she’s hanging out with Randy, which is, like, totally not cool. So she decides to break up with Randy and go back to her ex-boyfriend Tommy.

This leads to what Mike called “the dark night of the Cage.” He drinks. He makes out with someone who may or may not be his ex-girlfriend. He almost gets into a fight he was surely going to lose against three guys in a car. He awkwardly vomits against a wall. He looks like this:

Randy has seen better days.

But things turn around, and we’re thrust into my favorite sequence in the movie, and my favorite sequence so far in Cage’s career. He’s determined to win Julie back, so he executes a series of romantic gestures. He suddenly pops into a car that’s picking her up for school. He requests a song for her on the radio. He sneaks pictures of the two of them into her textbook. He dons multiple costumes to see her while she’s out with her friends. My favorite is this one, where he’s a movie theater ticket taker:

Though this one, where he’s a burger joint waiter, is almost as good:

These are legitimately awesome, funny, romantic gestures. They make me smile now, just thinking ab out them. Julie deserves this guy, not Tommy. Tommy is a total loser, but he does rock a dope pink suit when they go to prom:

(Don’t they look like a happy couple?!)

That suit is almost awesome enough to make me forgive the fact that he hooked up with one of Julie’s friends during the party at the start of the movie, then immediately slut-shamed her for hooking up with him. But it’s not enough, and Tommy is the worst.

That suit is still the best, though.

Then we get to prom! There are so many dances in these 1980s high school movies. The first highlight of prom is the speech given before announcing prom king and queen. I captured an awkward face for the most awkward speech ever uttered at a prom, either real or fictional:

Randy and his buddy sneak into prom. Randy knocks Tommy out backstage, then drags him off the stage. He escapes with Julie following a well-timed food fight that his friend starts. They duck outside and pop into the limo that Julie and Tommy took to prom. It’s totally reminiscent of THE GRADUATE, except they’re both happy and they both want this.

Don’t they look so cute together?! Awww….

VALLEY GIRL is only the third film of #CageClub, and we’re off to a great start. It’s not as “good” of a movie as FAST TIMES, but it’s delightful and charming. Plus, it’s the first starring role for Cage, which makes it an all-time classic on that merit alone. He’s really great in the role. VALLEY GIRL gives us some monumental Cage moments:

• His first starring role!
• His first on-screen kiss!
• His first on-screen meltdown!

It’s Deborah Foreman’s movie, but Cage steals the show. VALLEY GIRL is adorable, and you should all watch it.

How can I watch it? Unfortunately, it looks like it’s another one you’ll have to buy on DVD or get through some alternate method. There’s a real shortage of these early Cage flicks on mainstream streaming services, and that’s for shame.

What’s up next? We dive into a world of black-and-white … with (almost literal) splashes of color … in RUMBLE FISH. Cage is only a supporting role — it was filmed at the same time as VALLEY GIRL — but he makes the most of his on-screen time (as he always does). Look for reviews of that on Monday!